There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
