I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
