I heard we made out
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
