I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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