Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
