I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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