On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
