Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
