Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
