Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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