My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
