sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
