Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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