I wish I could teleport
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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