This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
This baby is an asshole
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
