Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
