he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
