Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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