I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
