I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
