The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
