He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
