Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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