Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
