I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
