Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
