it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
my liver is dry heaving
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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