I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
