I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
