I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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