I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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