She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You are the jesus of drinking
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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