A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
