You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
