Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
