why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
