we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Someone came in the potted fern
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
