she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
