You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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