he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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