Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
