I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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