Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
