Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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