watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
