Is it because I queefed?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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