The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
