You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
