i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
