i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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