he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize