I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
