You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
