My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
