Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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