Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
