Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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