I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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